It's 2:50pm and I haven't been awake for all that long. I'm on this horrible sleep schedule where I go to bed somewhere from 2:30am to 5am and wake up somewhere between 11:30am and 3pm. It's horrendous. I haven't eaten yet which is maybe the only good thing. I need to eat something.. usually I just don't and then I end up eating somewhere around 2000 calories at night which just isn't a good idea.

Okay, so I looked in the fridge and noticed a bag of baby carrots, so I munched on those. It was good because I don't really like to eat a lot of heavy food when I first wake up (unless we're at my parents' and they got bagels from Goldberg's, mm...). Now I'm not hungry, but I felt like something (kind of like a Dunkin craving blah) so I made chai out of 2 tazo decaf chai teabags about 2 cups of water, 1 cup of 2% and 2 tbsp of maple syrup. Not the healthiest thing, but I love me some chai and it's definitely at least a little better than a fake-latte from DD, the lack of caffieine alone (it gives me anxiety). Plus, it's so tasty. Actually, it's even a little too sweet, in the future I'll use less maple syrup or forego it completely. Also, I saved the money that I would have spent. I need to find the reciept so I know exactly what I spent yesterday because I want to start keeping track of that, as well. I'm all about accountability. That's what mature adults do, right? Not spend money willy nilly and eat a pint of ice cream every night? I'm joking, the older I get, the more I realize that most people don't have it figured out (as exemplafied by the financial crises caused by people spending money they don't have).

I asked Ryan what he wants to do for dinner earlier... he said he'd get back to me, but never did. We ended up getting pizza. Of course. So, I had a slice of white, a slice of pepperoni and a bottle of soda. Then, Ryan stopped at a bakery and got cake which I wasn't into, so I went to starbucks and got a decaf tall no whip white mocha and a chocolate fudge brownie.

Ryan used to talk about this girl who was around 300 lbs. "She was always talking about wanting to lose weight, then she would post about how she went of her diet and type *face palm*." That's totally me. It's awful. Here I am, wanting to lose weight, wanting to get healthy and I go to fucking Starbucks and get a ridiculously calorific/fattening drink and a BROWNIE?

I don't look at myself in the mirror ever. So, today I did. I was wearing shorts. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I actually had to change out of the shorts because I couldn't stand wearing them. I'm so mortified to be seen by people in my home town... I hate the idea of running into people. I'm disgusting. Ryan keeps telling me I'm beautiful, but I don't know what he's talking about. My body is absolutely out of control and I have no motivation to leave the house let alone go to the gym and work out. I don't know what to do. I'm so disappointed that Ryan hasn't been more proactive with the gym. I absolutely can't put this all on him, but I was not-so-secretly hoping that when he joined, he would start going and make me go... so far, it hasn't happened. The only validation I feel is that now he must somewhat realize what it's like for me. It's daunting. Why haven't we been yet? This is so frustrating. Now in addition to wasting money on junk food and crap, we have 2 gym memberships that are going completely unused. I feel really helpless. I have so much anxiety when it comes to getting out into the world. I know I should be on welbutrin again, but the measures I have to take to actually call up a psychiatrist and get a prescription are hard. It's this big catch 22 for me... My problems are preventing me from doing the things to fix them. How do people get out of ruts? Ryan's a big proponent of St. John's Wort now. I don't know what my aversion to pills is... it's why I stopped taking zoloft, effexor and welbutrin. I just don't take them. Why do I keep destroying myself? Why won't I let myself be happy? Why can't I lose weight and be a happy, normal human being and get a job and have a life? I'm so miserable.