B: Nothing
L: Nothing
D: 2 slices of pizza, 20 oz Hawaiian punch, then 4 of these kids pop things which are 70 cals for 2.
Later: 2 more slices of Pizza :(

I definitely DID NOT need those last 2 slices of pizza... I should have just gone to bed. I'm probably just thirsty, anyway.

I know the solution is to just start eating tiny meals. As much as I know that, I can't get the whole "eat barely anything and lose weight" thing out of my head. Yeah, if I was actually exercising so I don't go into starvation mode and retain calories. I went on a walk with Ryan after dinner, but it didn't really amount to much.

I can't wait for wellbutrin to kick in so I stop having junk food cravings. I started losing weight when I was on it before and it keeps me from compulsive overeating and once I stop being so depressed I'll hopefully have the will to start leaving the house again, so I should be able to get on track. My mom actually asked me if I wanted to spend the summer working out and trying to lose weight as opposed to school. The good thing about that is it would actually set me up to not be depressed and maybe I would actually be capable of doing stuff again. I don't even like leaving the house right now. My stomach is so big I can't fit many of my shirts over it and my shirts ride up and I"m constantly pulling them down.

I stepped on the scale today after staying off of it for a while. 217.6. That's .4 lb away from 218. I would realistically like to lose weight at about 2lbs a week. If I could stay on track and start losing weight consistantly instead of this unhealthy yoyo cycle, I could lose... 8 lbs in June, 8 lbs in July, 8 lbs in August for a summer total of 24. Which would only put me at 193.6. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. It kills me because I was there not too long ago, but maybe if I kick it up a couple notches I'll lose 3 lbs some of those weeks. I used to be able to lose 2 lbs/week easily and that's when I was in the 150's, so I should be able to lose weight faster once I'm able to stick with something. I don't really think my body wants to be this weight. I think once I start working out again, I'll lose weight fairly quickly. I mean, I haven't even been this weight for very long. Anyway, I hope I can stay motivated. I don't want to get crazy, I don't want to do this the unhealthy way and have the weight just pile back on. Ultimately, I wish I could just embrace a healthy lifestyle and be satisfied, but I can't stop thinking about those numbers on the scale.

Speaking of my weight... I'm a size 14. I read something earlier where a girl weighed the same as me and was a size 20. So, I guess I should be happy with how I carry the weight? I'd definitely rather be a smaller size and be big all over than to be super disproportionate.

Ryan wants to lose weight, as well. We basically weigh the same right now although he's physically bigger than me (taller and much wider chest/back), he has skinny legs though. I don't know why it seems so impossible/unattainable. I know he makes it MUCH HARDER on me. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably just always be eating fruit/vegetables and brown rice, but he's a lot more "meat and potatoes" like my dad. Maybe I should just tell him he has to fend for himself when it comes for food and I'll just eat whatever I feel like? I don't know, it's so much work being with someone. I'm not complaining, it's just I feel like I'm managing both of our lives. He complains that I don't get enough done during the day, but he doesn't realize how much pressure he's putting on me. I never planned on living this life at 23 and I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. Why do I have to be soley responsible for every single household chore? The apartment is neat enough.

Saddest Thing Ever!

My new favorite show is iCarly.

Things I would like to buy:

• ironing board

1. ikea
   
2. target

• sewing machine
• file box
• assorted from urbanoutfitters.com

1. pomeranian pillow












2. bowls












3. frames

• A new couch that fits through our doorway (ours is breaking in the middle- holding it up with books)

<-- Room & Board Andre sofa, or...



DWR's Bantam which has nicer legs and I like the 1 cushion look, but is a bit more expensive.

Both couches are out of our price range, but I think I'll either try to save up (ha) or maybe ask for one from my parents for Christmas or my birthday.


And I wonder what this debt is all about. It's really not that bad, we just eat out too often. We probably spend a couple hundred a month on tips alone. Why do we feel the need to pay people to serve us food? I think we're capable. I've been assembling recipes into a blog, so I have a place to search for them easily. There are a lot of recipes I'm excited about trying. I have yet to, but I'll get there. Fortunately, at this point in time, I'm much more excited about paying money back than I am about buying stuff. I do that- go on a shopping extravaganza and then think, "Wow, won't it be fun to not owe any money!" In the past, I've gotten major help from my mom. Who knows, I guess it's possible that I may break down and go that route, but right this second, I want to pay it off with our money. Well, Ryan's money. The money Ryan makes that we share. Once I get things in my head all worked out again (doctor's appointment Tuesday, I will ask for Wellbutrin) and I have things under control with school, I'll try to get some hours at a Starbucks. I wouldn't even mind opening again if I could do that at a Starbucks in Manhattan/near Hunter.

I have not been doing well with the whole eating thing. I've been trying to drink more water and I have fantasies of going 2 weeks without sugar to try to reset things, but I'm not sure if I can make it. I just want to get healthy.

We went to Pathmark for the first time tonight and saved so much money! I brought coupons that I've been clipping and we only got things that were on sale (and things I had coupons for). Unfortunately, I forgot my Pathmark keychain and they didn't have any more at customer service, so we missed out on even more savings. I'm pretty satisfied with how we did, though and I think I'll go back to pick up a few things we didn't get because we didn't want to get too much stuff. One necessary purchase is a shopping cart (for laundry and groceries, we have to walk everywhere), so I'll pick one up soon.

I'm up! It's 8:23 AM and I am awake. Fully awake, not groggy at all. What a fantastic feeling! My sleep pattern has been so messed up lately. I would stay up all night, go to bed and sleep for 2 nights, or I would take an advil PM and sleep all the next day, as well... Well, last night I was sleepy, but not exhausted. I went to bed at a normal time, like 12am or so. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake for hours, I tossed and turned, I was panicky and uncomfortable, but I didn't get up. Ryan woke me up this morning and I was able to get up. Now I'm drinking coffee and watching the CBS Morning Show.

I've been waking up so late that I haven't really been eating during the day. I know from the Weight Watchers standpoint, I'm probably taking in less calories/points and therefore most likely losing weight (I didn't check this week). I have lost weight this way before. In fact, I used to practically starve myself. I guess I never went into starvation mode because I always exercised, as well. Then, there were times where I didn't pay any attention to my weight and started working out consistantly. Of course the latter was much more condusive to weight loss. My biggest problem now is procrastination. I'll start working out tomorrow. Now, I'm waiting for Ryan to start going with me. He's procrastinating, as well. I can't blame him. I've had this gym membership that has pretty much gone unused for the past year+. It's depressing. Here, I know that working out will do so many things. There really are no negatives... maybe I'll be a little achey, but the improvements in my life will be plenty. Yet, I can't seem to make it to the gym. The motivation just isn't there. I know I'm not alone in this... The US wouldn't be having so many problems with obesity if everyone could get their butts to the gym. However, there are tons of people who get the motivation to work out and eat healthier. What do they have that I don't? I see these people on People magazine who've lost half their size. I know I've talked about this before. It's frustrating! I know so many people look at people who are overweight and think, "Well, I can do it, why can't you? Why can't you get your fat ass to the gym?" Honestly, I don't know. I don't know how I got here. What I do know is this isn't the weight I want to be for the rest of my life. I'm not comfortable. I have all of the tools at my fingertips, now where do I find the motivation to start to use them?

Interesting news... Apparently, the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road) recieved bail out money and is going to stop at Grand Central by 2013. Right now, they just stop on the West Side (Penn Station). We currently have the Woodside station near us here in Queens. It's pretty much within walking distance (without a lot of bags etc), but I think there are probably more times available from Manhattan. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how it works. What I do know is I love Grand Central and we only have to take one train to get there. To get to Penn Station, we would have to transfer at Times Square which is kind of a pain. Who knows where we'll be in 2013.

I think they should let the main guy from The Doctors wear something other than scrubs. He's a good looking guy, but it's not a flattering outfit. Do they think it does something for the show?Sorry, I'm random... and not very good with the transitions.

We got back from my parents' at around 9:30pm last night. We got off at the Laguardia airport connection but there weren't any yellow cabs around! Fortunately, a livery cab pulled over and asked if we need a ride. It's actually illegal for them to do that, but we were happy to see him... usually I get pissed off because these people honk at you if they see you waiting at the bus stop or walking somewhere. I think one was looking for its fare and it honked at us and I was like, "No! We didn't call a cab!" (because this happens a lot and I dislike being honked at) and the guy's window was down and he said, kind of sheepishly, "Oh, I'm sorry."

I didn't eat very well at my parents'. We stopped at a grocery store right after we got here and I got a loaf of Italian bread and some brie and snacked on that while we were there. Let's see if I can remember what I ate over the past couple days.

Saturday, we went to CitiField to some expo CBS FM had going on. It wasn't super exciting, just a bunch of booths, but some of the guys from CBS News at 5 were there and I guess we could have seen Rob Thomas if we had wanted. It was nice to see the stadium. We got hot dogs and ate them in the lower level seats... probably the only time we'll be in those seats! I actually think I mentioned this before. Anyway, the point was the hotdog. I wasn't even going to get one, but Ryan got 2 and then I ended up eating 1 of his. So not worth it.

Saturday night we went out with a few of Ryan's friends for his birthday. We went to a Nepalese/Japanese place called Yeti. We were given a little private room, but some of Ryan's friends are loud and it was too hot to keep the doors closed. We ended up getting some mean looks, but whatever, what can you do? Next year I'll suggest a non-Japanese restaurant because they tend to be on the quieter side. Danyell and James ended up staying until around 2:30 am... good times, they're fun to talk to. So, at Yeti I had a mango lassi, shrimp shumai, a crunchy spicy tuna roll and a salmon avocado roll- not bad at all! I had a peice of birthday cake which wasn't that great and a couple cups of coke which I don't normally drink.

Sunday, in addition to the brie and bread, I had a lot of rootbeer, some apple crumble, a salad with a vinaigrette I made, endive and some goat cheese. I'm sure I ate something else which I can't remember.

Monday, we went to Riverhead where I was able to find some more Orla Kiely stuff. Two more of the adorable pear/apple mugs, the green stoneware pitcher (I got the brown one earlier in the week) and a serving bowl in the same pattern. I wish I had gotten the orange pear tumblers, but I'm not entirely thrilled with the plastic or the malamine for that matter, but the pattern is so adorable that I just can't help but try to get as much stuff with it as possible! My mom and I each got 2 donuts and I got a medium latte. I had more apple crumble and we went to Bobby Van's for dinner. I had an iceberg wedge (blue cheese dressing, no bacon), salmon and had some of Ryan's mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. I think I had a sprite to drink

Tuesday I had a couple peices of olive pizza, for dinner we went to a diner and both got waffle sundaes... I also got an orange smoothie before I knew I was getting the sundae.

Today, I had a pint of vegetable fried rice, 1 packet of soy sauce, a medium iced caramel latte from Dunkin Donuts (Ryan went out and got it for me because I was sooo sleepy), a small couple of decaf, 2 tsps of sugar, 3 of those little plastic creamers with half and half and a peice of red velvet... The cake did nothing for satisfying my craving for something sweet and I'm going to try to remember that in the future. It's just not worth it! Ryan got irritated with my complaining, but it's frustrating spending money on something and just not being happy with it. We spend way too much money. We need to start using coupons and only buying things that are on sale (or the generic brand) and going to the place that offers double coupons.

Ooohh, I love this:



















Of course, now I'm thinking about getting the shelf with the jars (for spices) and the shelf with the hooks because I adore the hanging teacup look. They're expensive, though (as things from pottery barn tend to be). I would have to get a bunch of tazo teas and another can of McCann's (or steal one from my parents').

I do have a $50 gift card to Williams-Sonoma kicking around here that I'm pretty sure I could use at Pottery Barn seeing how they're the same company and it's hard to find thins at WS that are $50... I could wait until next Christmas and get peppermint bark mm...

Anyway, speaking of things that are fattening, I spent the hours I couldn't sleep last night fantasizing about Starbucks. It's awful, I honestly wonder what they sneak in the stuff that makes you so addicted. Like, the boxes of Chai say "formulated for Starbucks" on them, so I think they put something highly addictive in that particular formula. It tastes better than the tazo chai that's not formulated for Starbucks, also, so... anyway, once Ryan was awake enough, I asked him what he wanted. A coffee. When I asked him what size, he was still too sleepy. "Grrr...." "Grande?" "Yeah..." And when I asked him if he wanted an apple fritter, he stared at me, trying to find the word, until he nodded. After I woke him up to show him the coffee, he fell back asleep imediately with his mouth gaping open. I was a little disappointed that he woke up quickly after because I was hoping I could grab my camera and snap some pictures. It was really cute. So, for Ryan, a grrrrande coffee and an apple fritter. For me, a grande skim (excuse me, nonfat) 3 pump chai and a multigrain bagel which I toasted and put (too much) butter on. I read a post on xanga earlier where someone was pretty much saying "stop starving yourself/taking the easy way out... to lose weight you have to eat and work out" which is true enough, except Weight Watchers, a pretty easy weight loss program which I've found a lot of success with pretty much advocates eating less... Well, eating less calories (more protein and more fiber)- you can eat as much as you want as long as eat lower calorie foods with more protein and fiber- but once you get the hang of it, you're eating very few high calorie foods and you still lose weight. Maybe it's muscle, but idk, I've always found if I eat a small amount I lose weight, if I eat whatever I want, I gain weight. Once I start losing weight, I'll get motivated to work out... I'm just hoping Ryan gets motivated, too, because this is going to be a lot easier if he goes to work out with me!

Tonight we're going to Yeti tonight for Ryan's birthday with his friend's. His real birthday isn't until Monday (May 4), so we're basically celebrating his birthday all weekend. It's a big one... the big 3-0, so I don't mind making a big deal about it. I also didn't mind giving into my Starbucks temptations this morning because I'm having sushi for dinner. I *love* sushi.

Today we're going to the CBS Radio Expo at Citi Field (The Mets' new stadium). It's just $3/ticket and I'm curious to see what the stadium looks like and we may not be able to afford tickets to go there this season because they jacked the prices up SO MUCH... probably to help pay back all the money they borrowed to build it! ... At least it's not as bad as 1.5 billion dollar yankee stadium (why the fuck do they need a butcher???).