I've been really good with weight watchers this week. I feel totally motivated and I really feel fantastic about myself. It helps to have Ryan's support and we've had such a great time cooking together at night. We're both in the same place with wanting to be healthier, smaller and feel better about ourselves in general. We're both approaching this like a lifestyle change and we haven't even thought about getting sweets at night after dinner. A healthy meal involving a lean protein and veggies totally takes away those cravings I've had after eating a greasy grilled cheese or fattening pasta dish. The best part of all is we're eating more than we ever have! I definitely don't feel deprived, it's been fun. I'm definitely worried about next week with my friends, though.

I'm not sure I'm totally keen on this diet... I think I'll count points because I've had a lot of success with weight watchers in the past, but I'll eat the same foods because they'll be easier to keep track and Ryan has to eat them for his diet, so we'll have them around.

Meal 1, 10:30am - 4 points
1/2 c fiber one cereal - 1 point
1/2 c blueberries - 1 point
3/4 c plain soy milk - 2 points

Meal 2, 1:30pm
Advantedge carb control

Meal 3
1 container stony field farm plain lowfat yogurt
1 c blueberries

Snack
biggest banana ever


soy shake
1 scoop soy protein powder
1c plain soy milk - 2 points
ice - 0 points

Pretty stream of consciousness

Hopefully, once I actually have something going on in my life this thing will get more interesting. I'll probably feel more comfortable sharing this once I've actually lost some weight. "I weighed 217" is much better than admitting that I actually weigh that. No offense to people who weigh more. I have body issues. I was miserable when I weighed 160... I felt enormous. Well, now I really know what enormous feels like. The funny thing is I'm way more comfortable with my body than I've ever been. I don't know if I just keep writing the same things over and over again because I don't look back and check (and right now I don't have an audience, so it doesn't exactly matter), but I felt the same size when I was a lot smaller. Granted, I knew my stomach was smaller and I could pull off outfits that I couldn't now and obviously I was a smaller size (8/10), but I've always felt huge. Conspicuous. I feel like I'm always the 800 lb gorilla in the room. I grew up with my dad telling me that I shouldn't eat things because I was going to get "as big as a house" or that I was "as big as a house" another favorite is "you're like a bull in a china shop." I was a chubby kid who yo-yoed. I know at certain times I was pretty obese, but I don't really remember when. I remember my friend Anna and I weighing ourselves on my parents scale. I don't remember exactly when this was, but we were kids. She was around 70- something. I was 120. I definitely had a pretty early growth spurt because I was 5'3" by 5th grade. 5'3" and definitely not 120 lbs. I remember having to have polaroid pictures taken for a class project in 6th grade and thinking I looked huge. Somewhere in 7th or 8th grade I ended up around 150-something and I looked okay. I didn't own jeans because it was awkward being the size I was, so I wore long skirts everyday. If I lived in NYC, people probably would have figured I was an Orthodox Jew. I mean, skirts were in style at the time and I got them at Delia's, but still. Every day. I feel really guilty that I don't necessarily look back on my childhood as a happy one. I know my mom kind of coddles me now because she feels bad about how my dad treated me when I was younger. I mean, I don't know if it's coddling or if she's just being supportive because she knows I have some residual issues. I just don't feel equiped for life, though. I'm 23 fucking years old and I feel like a kid. I know I grew up with more than most kids and I know that I've been allowed to get away with more and I would consider myself spoiled. When I used that word with my last therapist, she looked at me like she didn't know what I was talking about. Isn't that a pretty mainstream term? I wish I could figure out a way to make money that didn't involve school, Starbucks or prostitution, but that just isn't in the cards. I know finishing my bachelor's will give me this amazing sense of accomplishment even though they're a dime a dozen right now.

Everything I eat upsets my stomach. I eat and then it's not long before my belly starts grumbling and I have to make a trip to the bathroom.

So, here's the diet. I'm not sure which one this is, but it's definitely one of those "set you up to eat healthy" sort of deals so I'm not wary. I know it'll work because all it is is eating healthy, it just has more guidelines than weight watchers, but more leighway, as well.

You're supposed to eat 5-6 times a day and meals are supposed to be spaced 2-3 hours apart. Each meal should consist of a portion of protein and salad or vegetable (if possible). You will add a good complex carb depending on the weekly guidelines.

The weekly carb guidelines are as follows:
Monday- 3
Tuesday- 3
Wednesday- 2
Thursday- 2
Friday- 1
Saturday-1
Sunday- actually not sure

Obviously, drink lots of water, try to limit diet soda and you're allowed to have coffee as long as you have a tiny bit of skim milk in it and sugar substitute.

I guess this is an example menu:

Meal 1 6:30 AM:
4-5 egg whites
1 cup Fiber 1
or
Ham steak 6 oz
w/ handful of blueberries

Meal 2 9:30AM:
Myoplex light

Meal 3 12:30PM:
6-8oz lean meat
2 slices of white bread or yam or red potatoes (6-8 oz)

Meal 4 3:30PM:
Myoplex carb sense
Vegetables or salad

Meal 5 6:30
6-8 oz lean meat
vegetables or salad

Meal 6 9:30:
6-8 oz lean meat or fish
or
Myoplex carb sense

Vegetables are non-impact carbs and are not counted with carbs. You can eat as many as you want and raw are better than cooked.

• broccoli
• asparagus
• cauliflower
• carrots
• peas
• peppers (red, yellow and green)
• lettuce
• tomatoes
• squash
• mushrooms
• spinach
• tomatoes
• peas
• brussel sprouts
• cabbage
• zucchini
• onions
• cucumbers

Fruit:

• raspberries
• strawberries
• blueberries
• blackberries
• apples- limit
• grapefruit- limit

Proteins:

• chicken breasts/thighs
• 99-95% fat free ground turkey
• turkey breast
  
• flank steak, top round and sirloin steak filet
• seafood- fish, crab, lobster, shrimp scallops, clams or oysters
• fat free or low fat cottage cheese
• egg beaters or egg whites
• venison or buffalo (ew)
• Protein shake or myoplex
• Protein drink isopure
• canned tuna/chicken/turkey in spring water
• skim milk is crossed off... maybe because milk has a lot of sugar.
  

Complex carbs:

• rough-cut/old fashioned oatmeal
  
• Fiber 1
• shredded wheat cereal (without sugar coating)
• whole grain cheerios
• yams or sweet potatoes
• rice cakes
• bananas
• 100% whole wheat pasta
• brown rice
• 100% whole wheat products

Fats (I have no idea how these factor in right now)

• Natural peanut butter
• sodium free nuts
• olive oil
• flaxseed oil
• fat free cheese and avocado

Obviously, all foods should be grilled, baked, broiled, steamed, microwaved and boiled and you should use a tablespoon of olive oil or Pam to cook with.

It bothers me because there are some missing pieces. Sunday, for instance and if you're allowed to have milk in the fiber one. Also, I have a list of fats here, but I don't know how those are supposed to fit in.

Anyway, you definitely get the gist. I dunno, this seems kind of south beach-ish, but the way it's presented is more attractive to me.

Scale today. I hadn't weighed myself since my last post. I can't remember, but it was either 217 or 218. Basically, the same. Maintaining is good. I did go to my parents which involved eating way too much (not even junk food, just.. everything) and then we haven't exactly been eating healthy here. The plan is to go on this 'diet' that Ryan's coworker used to lose something like 60 lbs. He started in November, but he told Ryan that after 2 months "the weight just started falling off," so maybe he started off slow and then lost a bunch. I don't know, but he's two lbs away from his goal weight and he started a bit heavier than Ryan's current weight.

I'm a little disappointed, in actuality. Any lower number would have filled me with enthusiasm and hopefulness. Well, I'm still determined to lose weight. I have not gone to Starbucks since I went with my mom the week before this one. I was going everyday and spending a ton of money, so I'm happy with this. The only downside to that is I haven't really gone out at all. It's been kind of rainy and blah and I've been blah to the max... yesterday, I pretty much had a panic attack yesterday which hasn't happened in a while. I don't know if it's the budeprion, but I've decided to stay on it until I see my doctor. If it's started to work, then fantastic, but if I still feel horrible, I'll talk to him about something else.

The funny thing is I know once I settle into this new routine (which is basically just eating healthy, like south beach, but less complicated), I'll be fine. Once I get a life that doesn't include moping on the couch all day, things will all fall into place. I was registered for classes this month, but I just didn't feel ready. I've tried to force myself into these things before and it always ends badly, so since I have the option of not taking those first 2 summer classes, I shouldn't do something I know I probably wouldn't be able to do right now. I don't know how people deal with anxiety and depression and live a normal life. I mean, I know having a job helps, but it's this huge catch 21 because how do I get a job in my current state? I have a hard time taking my dog for a walk outside and I can't even call up NYSC to tell them I need to change my billing method (EVEN THOUGHT IT"S TOO LATE ARGH) and all of these things that just make me feel awful. I actually felt a little better when I saw something on tv about OCD. I don't have it, but I've gone through periods where I was obsessed with cleaning, organizing, everything had to be just right. I was like Monica on Friends, seriously. I would spend hours making sure my hangers were spaced just right. My clothes were in color order and I was crazy about it. I was crazy about everything. So, anyway, the reason this OCD show helped me is there are people out there who are just as wacky as I am. Not that it makes me happy that other people are suffering, it's just nice to know I'm not necessarily alone in my current state of nonfunctionality<-- man, I really wanted that to be a word. Um, my current state of being nonfunctional.

I started this blog with the idea that I would make something that I was a little more proud of... something I wouldn't mind actually giving people the address to as opposed to my xanga which I haven't regularly posted in in a while. I'm not sure I could give people the link to this blog. I don't think I want people to know just how crazy I am/how badly my body and food issues affect me. On the other hand, I don't really know why I care. I'm down to my usual handful of friends and I've known them since preschool, elementary school, middle school and high school.

I'm so paranoid about finding roach legs in my food. If I see a small thin black thing, I have to ask Ryan if he thinks it's a bug leg. He always says no and eats it to prove how he's not just saying that. I can't say I'm always happy with life in general, or even him, but when I think about particular things like that, it makes me appreciate what I have more.

Speaking of roaches, the night before last, a giant roach crawled out of a crack in the wall above our picture rail. I noticed it on the picture rail and Ryan climbed on the couch and tried to get it with a paper towel. It crawled back into the hole and then came back out after Ryan went to bed (and turned off the overhead light and turned on the lamps). I yelled for him and finally he made it back into the living room. Just in time to get on the couch while the HUGE roach (or water bug... Joe's apartment-type only twice the size) fell off the picture rail and onto the floor. It was a huge production with the cats and Ryan trying to get at the thing, but it went behind the radiator. It tried to come out again, but it went back after Kiley caught it in her paws (she picked it up and dropped it). So, I don't know if the think is still here or if it was able to get out through the radiator. I have no idea. I hope I don't see it again.

My dad and I made a bet- first to lose 25 lbs gets $1000. No worries, I'll win.