I've been really good with weight watchers this week. I feel totally motivated and I really feel fantastic about myself. It helps to have Ryan's support and we've had such a great time cooking together at night. We're both in the same place with wanting to be healthier, smaller and feel better about ourselves in general. We're both approaching this like a lifestyle change and we haven't even thought about getting sweets at night after dinner. A healthy meal involving a lean protein and veggies totally takes away those cravings I've had after eating a greasy grilled cheese or fattening pasta dish. The best part of all is we're eating more than we ever have! I definitely don't feel deprived, it's been fun. I'm definitely worried about next week with my friends, though.

I'm not sure I'm totally keen on this diet... I think I'll count points because I've had a lot of success with weight watchers in the past, but I'll eat the same foods because they'll be easier to keep track and Ryan has to eat them for his diet, so we'll have them around.

Meal 1, 10:30am - 4 points
1/2 c fiber one cereal - 1 point
1/2 c blueberries - 1 point
3/4 c plain soy milk - 2 points

Meal 2, 1:30pm
Advantedge carb control

Meal 3
1 container stony field farm plain lowfat yogurt
1 c blueberries

Snack
biggest banana ever


soy shake
1 scoop soy protein powder
1c plain soy milk - 2 points
ice - 0 points

Pretty stream of consciousness

Hopefully, once I actually have something going on in my life this thing will get more interesting. I'll probably feel more comfortable sharing this once I've actually lost some weight. "I weighed 217" is much better than admitting that I actually weigh that. No offense to people who weigh more. I have body issues. I was miserable when I weighed 160... I felt enormous. Well, now I really know what enormous feels like. The funny thing is I'm way more comfortable with my body than I've ever been. I don't know if I just keep writing the same things over and over again because I don't look back and check (and right now I don't have an audience, so it doesn't exactly matter), but I felt the same size when I was a lot smaller. Granted, I knew my stomach was smaller and I could pull off outfits that I couldn't now and obviously I was a smaller size (8/10), but I've always felt huge. Conspicuous. I feel like I'm always the 800 lb gorilla in the room. I grew up with my dad telling me that I shouldn't eat things because I was going to get "as big as a house" or that I was "as big as a house" another favorite is "you're like a bull in a china shop." I was a chubby kid who yo-yoed. I know at certain times I was pretty obese, but I don't really remember when. I remember my friend Anna and I weighing ourselves on my parents scale. I don't remember exactly when this was, but we were kids. She was around 70- something. I was 120. I definitely had a pretty early growth spurt because I was 5'3" by 5th grade. 5'3" and definitely not 120 lbs. I remember having to have polaroid pictures taken for a class project in 6th grade and thinking I looked huge. Somewhere in 7th or 8th grade I ended up around 150-something and I looked okay. I didn't own jeans because it was awkward being the size I was, so I wore long skirts everyday. If I lived in NYC, people probably would have figured I was an Orthodox Jew. I mean, skirts were in style at the time and I got them at Delia's, but still. Every day. I feel really guilty that I don't necessarily look back on my childhood as a happy one. I know my mom kind of coddles me now because she feels bad about how my dad treated me when I was younger. I mean, I don't know if it's coddling or if she's just being supportive because she knows I have some residual issues. I just don't feel equiped for life, though. I'm 23 fucking years old and I feel like a kid. I know I grew up with more than most kids and I know that I've been allowed to get away with more and I would consider myself spoiled. When I used that word with my last therapist, she looked at me like she didn't know what I was talking about. Isn't that a pretty mainstream term? I wish I could figure out a way to make money that didn't involve school, Starbucks or prostitution, but that just isn't in the cards. I know finishing my bachelor's will give me this amazing sense of accomplishment even though they're a dime a dozen right now.

Everything I eat upsets my stomach. I eat and then it's not long before my belly starts grumbling and I have to make a trip to the bathroom.

So, here's the diet. I'm not sure which one this is, but it's definitely one of those "set you up to eat healthy" sort of deals so I'm not wary. I know it'll work because all it is is eating healthy, it just has more guidelines than weight watchers, but more leighway, as well.

You're supposed to eat 5-6 times a day and meals are supposed to be spaced 2-3 hours apart. Each meal should consist of a portion of protein and salad or vegetable (if possible). You will add a good complex carb depending on the weekly guidelines.

The weekly carb guidelines are as follows:
Monday- 3
Tuesday- 3
Wednesday- 2
Thursday- 2
Friday- 1
Saturday-1
Sunday- actually not sure

Obviously, drink lots of water, try to limit diet soda and you're allowed to have coffee as long as you have a tiny bit of skim milk in it and sugar substitute.

I guess this is an example menu:

Meal 1 6:30 AM:
4-5 egg whites
1 cup Fiber 1
or
Ham steak 6 oz
w/ handful of blueberries

Meal 2 9:30AM:
Myoplex light

Meal 3 12:30PM:
6-8oz lean meat
2 slices of white bread or yam or red potatoes (6-8 oz)

Meal 4 3:30PM:
Myoplex carb sense
Vegetables or salad

Meal 5 6:30
6-8 oz lean meat
vegetables or salad

Meal 6 9:30:
6-8 oz lean meat or fish
or
Myoplex carb sense

Vegetables are non-impact carbs and are not counted with carbs. You can eat as many as you want and raw are better than cooked.

• broccoli
• asparagus
• cauliflower
• carrots
• peas
• peppers (red, yellow and green)
• lettuce
• tomatoes
• squash
• mushrooms
• spinach
• tomatoes
• peas
• brussel sprouts
• cabbage
• zucchini
• onions
• cucumbers

Fruit:

• raspberries
• strawberries
• blueberries
• blackberries
• apples- limit
• grapefruit- limit

Proteins:

• chicken breasts/thighs
• 99-95% fat free ground turkey
• turkey breast
  
• flank steak, top round and sirloin steak filet
• seafood- fish, crab, lobster, shrimp scallops, clams or oysters
• fat free or low fat cottage cheese
• egg beaters or egg whites
• venison or buffalo (ew)
• Protein shake or myoplex
• Protein drink isopure
• canned tuna/chicken/turkey in spring water
• skim milk is crossed off... maybe because milk has a lot of sugar.
  

Complex carbs:

• rough-cut/old fashioned oatmeal
  
• Fiber 1
• shredded wheat cereal (without sugar coating)
• whole grain cheerios
• yams or sweet potatoes
• rice cakes
• bananas
• 100% whole wheat pasta
• brown rice
• 100% whole wheat products

Fats (I have no idea how these factor in right now)

• Natural peanut butter
• sodium free nuts
• olive oil
• flaxseed oil
• fat free cheese and avocado

Obviously, all foods should be grilled, baked, broiled, steamed, microwaved and boiled and you should use a tablespoon of olive oil or Pam to cook with.

It bothers me because there are some missing pieces. Sunday, for instance and if you're allowed to have milk in the fiber one. Also, I have a list of fats here, but I don't know how those are supposed to fit in.

Anyway, you definitely get the gist. I dunno, this seems kind of south beach-ish, but the way it's presented is more attractive to me.

Scale today. I hadn't weighed myself since my last post. I can't remember, but it was either 217 or 218. Basically, the same. Maintaining is good. I did go to my parents which involved eating way too much (not even junk food, just.. everything) and then we haven't exactly been eating healthy here. The plan is to go on this 'diet' that Ryan's coworker used to lose something like 60 lbs. He started in November, but he told Ryan that after 2 months "the weight just started falling off," so maybe he started off slow and then lost a bunch. I don't know, but he's two lbs away from his goal weight and he started a bit heavier than Ryan's current weight.

I'm a little disappointed, in actuality. Any lower number would have filled me with enthusiasm and hopefulness. Well, I'm still determined to lose weight. I have not gone to Starbucks since I went with my mom the week before this one. I was going everyday and spending a ton of money, so I'm happy with this. The only downside to that is I haven't really gone out at all. It's been kind of rainy and blah and I've been blah to the max... yesterday, I pretty much had a panic attack yesterday which hasn't happened in a while. I don't know if it's the budeprion, but I've decided to stay on it until I see my doctor. If it's started to work, then fantastic, but if I still feel horrible, I'll talk to him about something else.

The funny thing is I know once I settle into this new routine (which is basically just eating healthy, like south beach, but less complicated), I'll be fine. Once I get a life that doesn't include moping on the couch all day, things will all fall into place. I was registered for classes this month, but I just didn't feel ready. I've tried to force myself into these things before and it always ends badly, so since I have the option of not taking those first 2 summer classes, I shouldn't do something I know I probably wouldn't be able to do right now. I don't know how people deal with anxiety and depression and live a normal life. I mean, I know having a job helps, but it's this huge catch 21 because how do I get a job in my current state? I have a hard time taking my dog for a walk outside and I can't even call up NYSC to tell them I need to change my billing method (EVEN THOUGHT IT"S TOO LATE ARGH) and all of these things that just make me feel awful. I actually felt a little better when I saw something on tv about OCD. I don't have it, but I've gone through periods where I was obsessed with cleaning, organizing, everything had to be just right. I was like Monica on Friends, seriously. I would spend hours making sure my hangers were spaced just right. My clothes were in color order and I was crazy about it. I was crazy about everything. So, anyway, the reason this OCD show helped me is there are people out there who are just as wacky as I am. Not that it makes me happy that other people are suffering, it's just nice to know I'm not necessarily alone in my current state of nonfunctionality<-- man, I really wanted that to be a word. Um, my current state of being nonfunctional.

I started this blog with the idea that I would make something that I was a little more proud of... something I wouldn't mind actually giving people the address to as opposed to my xanga which I haven't regularly posted in in a while. I'm not sure I could give people the link to this blog. I don't think I want people to know just how crazy I am/how badly my body and food issues affect me. On the other hand, I don't really know why I care. I'm down to my usual handful of friends and I've known them since preschool, elementary school, middle school and high school.

I'm so paranoid about finding roach legs in my food. If I see a small thin black thing, I have to ask Ryan if he thinks it's a bug leg. He always says no and eats it to prove how he's not just saying that. I can't say I'm always happy with life in general, or even him, but when I think about particular things like that, it makes me appreciate what I have more.

Speaking of roaches, the night before last, a giant roach crawled out of a crack in the wall above our picture rail. I noticed it on the picture rail and Ryan climbed on the couch and tried to get it with a paper towel. It crawled back into the hole and then came back out after Ryan went to bed (and turned off the overhead light and turned on the lamps). I yelled for him and finally he made it back into the living room. Just in time to get on the couch while the HUGE roach (or water bug... Joe's apartment-type only twice the size) fell off the picture rail and onto the floor. It was a huge production with the cats and Ryan trying to get at the thing, but it went behind the radiator. It tried to come out again, but it went back after Kiley caught it in her paws (she picked it up and dropped it). So, I don't know if the think is still here or if it was able to get out through the radiator. I have no idea. I hope I don't see it again.

My dad and I made a bet- first to lose 25 lbs gets $1000. No worries, I'll win.

B: Nothing
L: Nothing
D: 2 slices of pizza, 20 oz Hawaiian punch, then 4 of these kids pop things which are 70 cals for 2.
Later: 2 more slices of Pizza :(

I definitely DID NOT need those last 2 slices of pizza... I should have just gone to bed. I'm probably just thirsty, anyway.

I know the solution is to just start eating tiny meals. As much as I know that, I can't get the whole "eat barely anything and lose weight" thing out of my head. Yeah, if I was actually exercising so I don't go into starvation mode and retain calories. I went on a walk with Ryan after dinner, but it didn't really amount to much.

I can't wait for wellbutrin to kick in so I stop having junk food cravings. I started losing weight when I was on it before and it keeps me from compulsive overeating and once I stop being so depressed I'll hopefully have the will to start leaving the house again, so I should be able to get on track. My mom actually asked me if I wanted to spend the summer working out and trying to lose weight as opposed to school. The good thing about that is it would actually set me up to not be depressed and maybe I would actually be capable of doing stuff again. I don't even like leaving the house right now. My stomach is so big I can't fit many of my shirts over it and my shirts ride up and I"m constantly pulling them down.

I stepped on the scale today after staying off of it for a while. 217.6. That's .4 lb away from 218. I would realistically like to lose weight at about 2lbs a week. If I could stay on track and start losing weight consistantly instead of this unhealthy yoyo cycle, I could lose... 8 lbs in June, 8 lbs in July, 8 lbs in August for a summer total of 24. Which would only put me at 193.6. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. It kills me because I was there not too long ago, but maybe if I kick it up a couple notches I'll lose 3 lbs some of those weeks. I used to be able to lose 2 lbs/week easily and that's when I was in the 150's, so I should be able to lose weight faster once I'm able to stick with something. I don't really think my body wants to be this weight. I think once I start working out again, I'll lose weight fairly quickly. I mean, I haven't even been this weight for very long. Anyway, I hope I can stay motivated. I don't want to get crazy, I don't want to do this the unhealthy way and have the weight just pile back on. Ultimately, I wish I could just embrace a healthy lifestyle and be satisfied, but I can't stop thinking about those numbers on the scale.

Speaking of my weight... I'm a size 14. I read something earlier where a girl weighed the same as me and was a size 20. So, I guess I should be happy with how I carry the weight? I'd definitely rather be a smaller size and be big all over than to be super disproportionate.

Ryan wants to lose weight, as well. We basically weigh the same right now although he's physically bigger than me (taller and much wider chest/back), he has skinny legs though. I don't know why it seems so impossible/unattainable. I know he makes it MUCH HARDER on me. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably just always be eating fruit/vegetables and brown rice, but he's a lot more "meat and potatoes" like my dad. Maybe I should just tell him he has to fend for himself when it comes for food and I'll just eat whatever I feel like? I don't know, it's so much work being with someone. I'm not complaining, it's just I feel like I'm managing both of our lives. He complains that I don't get enough done during the day, but he doesn't realize how much pressure he's putting on me. I never planned on living this life at 23 and I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. Why do I have to be soley responsible for every single household chore? The apartment is neat enough.

Saddest Thing Ever!

My new favorite show is iCarly.

Things I would like to buy:

• ironing board

1. ikea
   
2. target

• sewing machine
• file box
• assorted from urbanoutfitters.com

1. pomeranian pillow












2. bowls












3. frames

• A new couch that fits through our doorway (ours is breaking in the middle- holding it up with books)

<-- Room & Board Andre sofa, or...



DWR's Bantam which has nicer legs and I like the 1 cushion look, but is a bit more expensive.

Both couches are out of our price range, but I think I'll either try to save up (ha) or maybe ask for one from my parents for Christmas or my birthday.


And I wonder what this debt is all about. It's really not that bad, we just eat out too often. We probably spend a couple hundred a month on tips alone. Why do we feel the need to pay people to serve us food? I think we're capable. I've been assembling recipes into a blog, so I have a place to search for them easily. There are a lot of recipes I'm excited about trying. I have yet to, but I'll get there. Fortunately, at this point in time, I'm much more excited about paying money back than I am about buying stuff. I do that- go on a shopping extravaganza and then think, "Wow, won't it be fun to not owe any money!" In the past, I've gotten major help from my mom. Who knows, I guess it's possible that I may break down and go that route, but right this second, I want to pay it off with our money. Well, Ryan's money. The money Ryan makes that we share. Once I get things in my head all worked out again (doctor's appointment Tuesday, I will ask for Wellbutrin) and I have things under control with school, I'll try to get some hours at a Starbucks. I wouldn't even mind opening again if I could do that at a Starbucks in Manhattan/near Hunter.

I have not been doing well with the whole eating thing. I've been trying to drink more water and I have fantasies of going 2 weeks without sugar to try to reset things, but I'm not sure if I can make it. I just want to get healthy.

We went to Pathmark for the first time tonight and saved so much money! I brought coupons that I've been clipping and we only got things that were on sale (and things I had coupons for). Unfortunately, I forgot my Pathmark keychain and they didn't have any more at customer service, so we missed out on even more savings. I'm pretty satisfied with how we did, though and I think I'll go back to pick up a few things we didn't get because we didn't want to get too much stuff. One necessary purchase is a shopping cart (for laundry and groceries, we have to walk everywhere), so I'll pick one up soon.

I'm up! It's 8:23 AM and I am awake. Fully awake, not groggy at all. What a fantastic feeling! My sleep pattern has been so messed up lately. I would stay up all night, go to bed and sleep for 2 nights, or I would take an advil PM and sleep all the next day, as well... Well, last night I was sleepy, but not exhausted. I went to bed at a normal time, like 12am or so. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake for hours, I tossed and turned, I was panicky and uncomfortable, but I didn't get up. Ryan woke me up this morning and I was able to get up. Now I'm drinking coffee and watching the CBS Morning Show.

I've been waking up so late that I haven't really been eating during the day. I know from the Weight Watchers standpoint, I'm probably taking in less calories/points and therefore most likely losing weight (I didn't check this week). I have lost weight this way before. In fact, I used to practically starve myself. I guess I never went into starvation mode because I always exercised, as well. Then, there were times where I didn't pay any attention to my weight and started working out consistantly. Of course the latter was much more condusive to weight loss. My biggest problem now is procrastination. I'll start working out tomorrow. Now, I'm waiting for Ryan to start going with me. He's procrastinating, as well. I can't blame him. I've had this gym membership that has pretty much gone unused for the past year+. It's depressing. Here, I know that working out will do so many things. There really are no negatives... maybe I'll be a little achey, but the improvements in my life will be plenty. Yet, I can't seem to make it to the gym. The motivation just isn't there. I know I'm not alone in this... The US wouldn't be having so many problems with obesity if everyone could get their butts to the gym. However, there are tons of people who get the motivation to work out and eat healthier. What do they have that I don't? I see these people on People magazine who've lost half their size. I know I've talked about this before. It's frustrating! I know so many people look at people who are overweight and think, "Well, I can do it, why can't you? Why can't you get your fat ass to the gym?" Honestly, I don't know. I don't know how I got here. What I do know is this isn't the weight I want to be for the rest of my life. I'm not comfortable. I have all of the tools at my fingertips, now where do I find the motivation to start to use them?

Interesting news... Apparently, the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road) recieved bail out money and is going to stop at Grand Central by 2013. Right now, they just stop on the West Side (Penn Station). We currently have the Woodside station near us here in Queens. It's pretty much within walking distance (without a lot of bags etc), but I think there are probably more times available from Manhattan. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how it works. What I do know is I love Grand Central and we only have to take one train to get there. To get to Penn Station, we would have to transfer at Times Square which is kind of a pain. Who knows where we'll be in 2013.

I think they should let the main guy from The Doctors wear something other than scrubs. He's a good looking guy, but it's not a flattering outfit. Do they think it does something for the show?Sorry, I'm random... and not very good with the transitions.

We got back from my parents' at around 9:30pm last night. We got off at the Laguardia airport connection but there weren't any yellow cabs around! Fortunately, a livery cab pulled over and asked if we need a ride. It's actually illegal for them to do that, but we were happy to see him... usually I get pissed off because these people honk at you if they see you waiting at the bus stop or walking somewhere. I think one was looking for its fare and it honked at us and I was like, "No! We didn't call a cab!" (because this happens a lot and I dislike being honked at) and the guy's window was down and he said, kind of sheepishly, "Oh, I'm sorry."

I didn't eat very well at my parents'. We stopped at a grocery store right after we got here and I got a loaf of Italian bread and some brie and snacked on that while we were there. Let's see if I can remember what I ate over the past couple days.

Saturday, we went to CitiField to some expo CBS FM had going on. It wasn't super exciting, just a bunch of booths, but some of the guys from CBS News at 5 were there and I guess we could have seen Rob Thomas if we had wanted. It was nice to see the stadium. We got hot dogs and ate them in the lower level seats... probably the only time we'll be in those seats! I actually think I mentioned this before. Anyway, the point was the hotdog. I wasn't even going to get one, but Ryan got 2 and then I ended up eating 1 of his. So not worth it.

Saturday night we went out with a few of Ryan's friends for his birthday. We went to a Nepalese/Japanese place called Yeti. We were given a little private room, but some of Ryan's friends are loud and it was too hot to keep the doors closed. We ended up getting some mean looks, but whatever, what can you do? Next year I'll suggest a non-Japanese restaurant because they tend to be on the quieter side. Danyell and James ended up staying until around 2:30 am... good times, they're fun to talk to. So, at Yeti I had a mango lassi, shrimp shumai, a crunchy spicy tuna roll and a salmon avocado roll- not bad at all! I had a peice of birthday cake which wasn't that great and a couple cups of coke which I don't normally drink.

Sunday, in addition to the brie and bread, I had a lot of rootbeer, some apple crumble, a salad with a vinaigrette I made, endive and some goat cheese. I'm sure I ate something else which I can't remember.

Monday, we went to Riverhead where I was able to find some more Orla Kiely stuff. Two more of the adorable pear/apple mugs, the green stoneware pitcher (I got the brown one earlier in the week) and a serving bowl in the same pattern. I wish I had gotten the orange pear tumblers, but I'm not entirely thrilled with the plastic or the malamine for that matter, but the pattern is so adorable that I just can't help but try to get as much stuff with it as possible! My mom and I each got 2 donuts and I got a medium latte. I had more apple crumble and we went to Bobby Van's for dinner. I had an iceberg wedge (blue cheese dressing, no bacon), salmon and had some of Ryan's mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. I think I had a sprite to drink

Tuesday I had a couple peices of olive pizza, for dinner we went to a diner and both got waffle sundaes... I also got an orange smoothie before I knew I was getting the sundae.

Today, I had a pint of vegetable fried rice, 1 packet of soy sauce, a medium iced caramel latte from Dunkin Donuts (Ryan went out and got it for me because I was sooo sleepy), a small couple of decaf, 2 tsps of sugar, 3 of those little plastic creamers with half and half and a peice of red velvet... The cake did nothing for satisfying my craving for something sweet and I'm going to try to remember that in the future. It's just not worth it! Ryan got irritated with my complaining, but it's frustrating spending money on something and just not being happy with it. We spend way too much money. We need to start using coupons and only buying things that are on sale (or the generic brand) and going to the place that offers double coupons.

Ooohh, I love this:



















Of course, now I'm thinking about getting the shelf with the jars (for spices) and the shelf with the hooks because I adore the hanging teacup look. They're expensive, though (as things from pottery barn tend to be). I would have to get a bunch of tazo teas and another can of McCann's (or steal one from my parents').

I do have a $50 gift card to Williams-Sonoma kicking around here that I'm pretty sure I could use at Pottery Barn seeing how they're the same company and it's hard to find thins at WS that are $50... I could wait until next Christmas and get peppermint bark mm...

Anyway, speaking of things that are fattening, I spent the hours I couldn't sleep last night fantasizing about Starbucks. It's awful, I honestly wonder what they sneak in the stuff that makes you so addicted. Like, the boxes of Chai say "formulated for Starbucks" on them, so I think they put something highly addictive in that particular formula. It tastes better than the tazo chai that's not formulated for Starbucks, also, so... anyway, once Ryan was awake enough, I asked him what he wanted. A coffee. When I asked him what size, he was still too sleepy. "Grrr...." "Grande?" "Yeah..." And when I asked him if he wanted an apple fritter, he stared at me, trying to find the word, until he nodded. After I woke him up to show him the coffee, he fell back asleep imediately with his mouth gaping open. I was a little disappointed that he woke up quickly after because I was hoping I could grab my camera and snap some pictures. It was really cute. So, for Ryan, a grrrrande coffee and an apple fritter. For me, a grande skim (excuse me, nonfat) 3 pump chai and a multigrain bagel which I toasted and put (too much) butter on. I read a post on xanga earlier where someone was pretty much saying "stop starving yourself/taking the easy way out... to lose weight you have to eat and work out" which is true enough, except Weight Watchers, a pretty easy weight loss program which I've found a lot of success with pretty much advocates eating less... Well, eating less calories (more protein and more fiber)- you can eat as much as you want as long as eat lower calorie foods with more protein and fiber- but once you get the hang of it, you're eating very few high calorie foods and you still lose weight. Maybe it's muscle, but idk, I've always found if I eat a small amount I lose weight, if I eat whatever I want, I gain weight. Once I start losing weight, I'll get motivated to work out... I'm just hoping Ryan gets motivated, too, because this is going to be a lot easier if he goes to work out with me!

Tonight we're going to Yeti tonight for Ryan's birthday with his friend's. His real birthday isn't until Monday (May 4), so we're basically celebrating his birthday all weekend. It's a big one... the big 3-0, so I don't mind making a big deal about it. I also didn't mind giving into my Starbucks temptations this morning because I'm having sushi for dinner. I *love* sushi.

Today we're going to the CBS Radio Expo at Citi Field (The Mets' new stadium). It's just $3/ticket and I'm curious to see what the stadium looks like and we may not be able to afford tickets to go there this season because they jacked the prices up SO MUCH... probably to help pay back all the money they borrowed to build it! ... At least it's not as bad as 1.5 billion dollar yankee stadium (why the fuck do they need a butcher???).

I just combined the 2 blogs I had been writing. I decided that having a separate weight loss blog is not what I want. I need the posts where I'm whining about my lack of progress to be tempered by the blogs where I'm not. See, I can be interesting (heh). Blogs about stuff people like are always fun to read for me, so I will be including that... as well as other random pictures because I really like pictures and after all, this is for me.

I pretty much adore everything vintage. Things just looked so much cooler and they were just better made, as well. Not that I'm trying to buy vintage appliances, but the thought did cross my mind to try to locate a nice vintage fan. They're a bit out of my price range, but it didn't take me very long to locate these:

The reviews are a little iffy, but I'm all about form over function. I think the black one will look so pretty in my bedroom that I think I could deal if it broke. Most of the reviews are 5 stars, though. I think I'll order the silver and the black. There are others, but I think those are my favorites.

Me: Can you get me some apple sauce?
Ryan: Yeah, is it for your vajayjay?
Me: What??
Ryan: I thought that's what you got it for
Me: Um...
Ryan: Ohh wait, no that was listerine for your toe [nail fungus :(].

I didn't post over the weekend, unfortunately. The saddest thing is the big reason I want to post every day is because I don't think I can remember beyond 1 day.

I'm not entirely sure I want to keep the whole weightloss blog thing going. I figured maybe if I could get things going, then I could use this as sort of an inspiration point for other people. I haven't really been very inspirational and I don't know why anyone would want to read about someone talking about how they're failing miserably at losing weight! Decidedly NOT inspirational. I like the whole blogging concept, though, so maybe I'll combine this with the other blog. How do people do it? It's so hard. My biggest thing is not really wanting to be associated with this blog. Why blog if you look at something and think, "Wow, I wouldn't tell anyone I know about this" (and not because it's juicy and/or exciting..).

My biggest issue has been how I just haven't been able to sleep at normal times. Maybe it works out better as far as not eating and it's not like I'm just not sleeping at all, but I feel like I would probably be moving around a lot more if I was awake during the light hours and the gym isn't open all night. Actually, the whole working at Starbucks thing has made me a lot less skittish about walking around NY in the middle of the night (having to be at work by 5am and living an hour away) and the gym I have a membership to actually has a couple 24 hour locations. I don't know, though, just because I'm not asleep doesn't mean I'm not tired. Blah, it's just so humid. Ryan's being weird about the air conditioner, he doesn't think

So, last night I was in bed by 2:30, but just couldn't fall asleep! I laid in bed awake for hours and intermittently played bejeweled on my iphone. I hate that feeling, where you're tired enough to go to sleep, but it's just not happening. I finally fell asleep around 5am! I should have just gotten up when I woke up at 1pm, but my bed is way too comfortable and my back wasn't hurting the way it normally does when I've in bed for that long, so I went back to bed and got up at 4pm.

It's 5:30 PM and I haven't eatening anything. And the effect of not eating anything is visible right there where I just typed "eatening." My stomach is growling, but I don't feel super hungry. Part of me thinks, "EAT SOMETHING!" and the other part wants to wait until Ryan gets home because yesterday we ended up consuming so many calories. I don't want this to turn into an anorexic blog! Those depress me so much. I definitely lost weight by not eating enough when I was younger and I don't want to fall into that same pattern now, it's just hard because I have SO MUCH to lose. I keep thinking, well, I'll do that master cleanse until I've lost some weight and then I'll start working out a lot so I'll keep the weight off and lose more. It's hard to keep all of these things in balance because I know that starving yourself to lose weight may work in the short term, but overall unless you really, truly learn to change your ways it's going to come piling back and then some. It may take a couple years for you to get there, but all it takes is one bad year to gain a ton of weight. Seeing as how this has been a lifelong struggle for me, I know it's really necessary for me to start incorperating exercise into my daily life. And unfortunately, sleeping all day and sitting on the couch all night doesn't count as exercise.

Okay, so we went out and I guess I exercised self control in that I didn't order the pene a la vodka that looked amazing (a guy had it). We did get potato skins to start (there were 3 full size, so I had 1.5), I had 2 cups of coffee and a grilled chicken caesar salad which was too tasty to be healthy, but there wasn't too much romaine, and therefore not too much dressing. After dinner, we stopped at Carvel. I got a medium coke float, but the coke was flat and warm and I was after a little bit so I ended up dumping most of it in the garbage. I definitely ended up eating less than a small. Waste of money, but I felt kind of proud of myself that I didn't end up eating it just for the heck of it.

So, today I consumed:

• small cup of sour cherry juice (6 oz or less)-- I had some last night, too, I can't remember if I mentioned that
  
• 1.5 potato skins (with cheddar, bacon and scallions)
  
• grilled chicken caesar salad (most of which came home with me)
• 2 cups of coffee with milk and 2 sugars in each.
• a small amount of coke float with vanilla soft serve

I should be 1) drinking more water 2) eating more fruits and veggies!!!

I know I shouldn't, but i'm going to start weighing myself more. I read somewhere that people who weigh themselves more stay more motivated. I'm not going to be discouraged if I don't lose over the course of the week, but it definitely helps keep me on track. I know I don't sound totally on board with weight loss, yet, but just thinking about it and recording what I'm eating is a big step.

It's 2:50pm and I haven't been awake for all that long. I'm on this horrible sleep schedule where I go to bed somewhere from 2:30am to 5am and wake up somewhere between 11:30am and 3pm. It's horrendous. I haven't eaten yet which is maybe the only good thing. I need to eat something.. usually I just don't and then I end up eating somewhere around 2000 calories at night which just isn't a good idea.

Okay, so I looked in the fridge and noticed a bag of baby carrots, so I munched on those. It was good because I don't really like to eat a lot of heavy food when I first wake up (unless we're at my parents' and they got bagels from Goldberg's, mm...). Now I'm not hungry, but I felt like something (kind of like a Dunkin craving blah) so I made chai out of 2 tazo decaf chai teabags about 2 cups of water, 1 cup of 2% and 2 tbsp of maple syrup. Not the healthiest thing, but I love me some chai and it's definitely at least a little better than a fake-latte from DD, the lack of caffieine alone (it gives me anxiety). Plus, it's so tasty. Actually, it's even a little too sweet, in the future I'll use less maple syrup or forego it completely. Also, I saved the money that I would have spent. I need to find the reciept so I know exactly what I spent yesterday because I want to start keeping track of that, as well. I'm all about accountability. That's what mature adults do, right? Not spend money willy nilly and eat a pint of ice cream every night? I'm joking, the older I get, the more I realize that most people don't have it figured out (as exemplafied by the financial crises caused by people spending money they don't have).

I asked Ryan what he wants to do for dinner earlier... he said he'd get back to me, but never did. We ended up getting pizza. Of course. So, I had a slice of white, a slice of pepperoni and a bottle of soda. Then, Ryan stopped at a bakery and got cake which I wasn't into, so I went to starbucks and got a decaf tall no whip white mocha and a chocolate fudge brownie.

Ryan used to talk about this girl who was around 300 lbs. "She was always talking about wanting to lose weight, then she would post about how she went of her diet and type *face palm*." That's totally me. It's awful. Here I am, wanting to lose weight, wanting to get healthy and I go to fucking Starbucks and get a ridiculously calorific/fattening drink and a BROWNIE?

I don't look at myself in the mirror ever. So, today I did. I was wearing shorts. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I actually had to change out of the shorts because I couldn't stand wearing them. I'm so mortified to be seen by people in my home town... I hate the idea of running into people. I'm disgusting. Ryan keeps telling me I'm beautiful, but I don't know what he's talking about. My body is absolutely out of control and I have no motivation to leave the house let alone go to the gym and work out. I don't know what to do. I'm so disappointed that Ryan hasn't been more proactive with the gym. I absolutely can't put this all on him, but I was not-so-secretly hoping that when he joined, he would start going and make me go... so far, it hasn't happened. The only validation I feel is that now he must somewhat realize what it's like for me. It's daunting. Why haven't we been yet? This is so frustrating. Now in addition to wasting money on junk food and crap, we have 2 gym memberships that are going completely unused. I feel really helpless. I have so much anxiety when it comes to getting out into the world. I know I should be on welbutrin again, but the measures I have to take to actually call up a psychiatrist and get a prescription are hard. It's this big catch 22 for me... My problems are preventing me from doing the things to fix them. How do people get out of ruts? Ryan's a big proponent of St. John's Wort now. I don't know what my aversion to pills is... it's why I stopped taking zoloft, effexor and welbutrin. I just don't take them. Why do I keep destroying myself? Why won't I let myself be happy? Why can't I lose weight and be a happy, normal human being and get a job and have a life? I'm so miserable.

So, after I posted, I got hungry (stupid me only ate a twizzler all day). So, what did I do? I went to Dunkin Donuts. I'm going to have to keep accountability if I want to do this, so here it is. When I go to Starbucks or Dunkin or get ice cream from the grocery store (etc etc etc), I'm going to write about it. I usually get an iced medium caramel latte and a donut or just the latte. This time I got 3 donuts. Why? I do not know. I figured, well, that was dinner. Maybe I would have been okay if I'd left that being dinner. Nope. We went to Foxy's Diner where I had 3 peices of crispy bacon, 2 eggs over easy and a slice of buttered white toast and a couple sips of Ryan's sprite. It cost $20 and we gave a $4 tip, so a $24 total. Just now I had another twizzler, so today I've eaten:

• 2 twizzlers
• 3 Dunkin Donuts (1 iced chocolate with sprinkles, 1 berry whatever, 1 glazed)
• 1 medium iced caramel latte
• 2 eggs over easy
• 3 peices of crispy bacon
• 1 peice of buttered toast
• a couple sips of sprite
  

Since not everyone enjoys someone complaining about their weight loss (or lack thereof), I'm going to try to keep a separate blog where I discuss all of the other stuff. Like, my ebay, etsy and craig's list obsessions. I love stuff. Maybe I can blog about that stuff and other people will buy it before I do. My latest obsession is Cathrineholm enamel bowls. They're gorgeous. Like this one here. Ebay is a pretty good source for these, but they are so expensive. I cannot afford them. That one is $15.50, but it has over 2 days left on the auction and I can guarantee that it'll be up to $45+ by the end. Boo! Oh man, except this one I didn't win which ended up going for $10.99. So messed up!!! How did I miss out on that?!

After much e-mailing back and forth to figure out the logistics of delivery, etc, I opted to "buy it now" on this gorgeous hutch. It looks a million times better in person even! I'm considering removing the glass, though because it rattles when we walk around, also I'm going to have to keep it clean and I thought the hutch looked pretty awesome without it. I don't have anything small it in (just pyrex bowls), so I don't have to worry about anything getting broken or needing to be protected. I'm just not sure where to keep the glass. I don't want it to get broken.

Yesterday, the new couch I had ordered from Macy's got here. One problem. It didn't fit through the door. So now I'm stuck paying a lot extra to get it through the door. Hopefully I can find a company that's willing to deliver it and disassemble it so I don't have to have macy's do it. Again. And pay the $80 AGAIN because the movers couldn't get it through the door... I take full responsibility, but at the same time, I reeeally don't want to have to pay again. I should have just had the guys leave it in my hallway... It's so pretty and I really want it, though, so I'm just going to suck it up and pay. At least I got it while it was an extra 10% off, so that helps a teeny bit. I wish I hadn't paid the $90 for the 7 year warranty (they'll clean it and if they can't get stuff like ink, cosmetics, etc they'll replace it... although, they'll probably weasle out of it). Anyway, I really hope I can get this worked out soon... I'm not sure how long I have to get it out of the warehouse. When I spoke to the people at Macy's they said that when I get it figured out, I should just call them back and tell them that I'm having someone else pick it up.

I have to stop spending so much money. I just want stuff! I like stuff and things! My next entry will be about implementing a budget.

80 lbs.

My biggest blog inspiration is her she's doing it. Not perfectly, she slips up, she has set backs, but she continues. I want to be there, I want to be motivated to lose weight to the point where I can have a week where I don't lose anything or I even gain weight and I say, "Okay, that sucked, but next week I'm going to do better." I don't know how to get there, I don't even know where to start.

I weighed myself a week ago. Apparently, that horrible number that kept coming up on my scale was not, in fact, the product of a broken scale and was in actuality a product of me.. my fat ass... years of inactivity and overindulging. The number? 218.something. At 150-160 I could say to myself, "Well, at least I don't weigh 200." I could bawk at magazines that had women who had lost HALF THEIR WEIGHT on the cover. "Half my weight? I would be 80 lbs!" Well, not anymore. You could take half of me and have 2 reasonably sized people... yeah, a little on the thin size, but the fact that I could literally be the size of TWO PEOPLE makes me want to die a little bit. How did I get here?! How did this happen and why did I do this to myself? I just can't comprehend. I always look at people in the 300's, 400's and on and wonder how they let themselves go quite so much... how did they not see the ever increasing numbers on the scale and take matters into their own hands, why wasn't that enough? Now, I kind of understand and part of me can't help but wonder if this is some sort of karma... is this cosmic retribution for the years I thought myself to superior to those with real, legitimate weight issues? Now I'm on the verge of morbidly obese (if I'm not there already) and I don't even know where to start. Motivation hasn't kicked in. I haven't seen the increasing numbers and implemented a regime.

Ryan joined the gym a couple days ago. I was hoping something magical would happen and we would start working out religiously and a couple weeks later we would have amazing bodies. A week later and we still have the same bodies. We have not gone to the gym. We've eaten snacks and didn't really do anything that would suggest a decrease in the number on the scale, so I'm back to square one. I don't want to weigh myself. I don't want to know that number because if I don't know it, it effectively doesn't exist... to me, at least. I'm still too large for the majority of my clothes. I still am not where I would like to be as far as fitness is concerned and I don't feel healthy when I think about what I've been eating. I feel like the more I become aware, the less I'll be able to deny that something (read: a lot of things) needs to change. So, here goes. I'm going to do it. Okay, 218.nothing... that's an improvement. Kind of. Hopefully I can keep that number in my mind all week. I will wear it like a scarlet letter.. it will be my mantra. I will try my hardest and my very best to get my boyfriend and myself to the gym this week. My goal weight is 140 (for now, if I ever get there, maybe that will change). That's 78 lbs. You know what? Might as well make it an even 80. My goal weight is 138 lbs. So, in a year from now I'll be able to say "I lost 80 lbs!" And if I slip up, I'll be back here because I really need to do this.

I'm totally addicted to Dunkin Donuts which would be cheaper than Starbucks, but not with the donuts!!

Ryan is joining NYSC with me and we're going to work out with Jax sometime this week (who seems like she actually wants to hang out with us now that she's on the outs with yelpers).

It's bizarre, I'm so ready to lose weight, but I'm completely addicted to crap food. I love healthfood... I love soy protein shakes and irish oatmeal and fruits and veggies and grilled chicken and fish... it's like an alcoholic who hates the hangovers, but can't stop drinking. Dunkin Donuts' iced caramel lattes have become the only thing to get me out of the house when no one else is involved. Hence, the excitement of having Ryan work out with me because I absolutely will not go by myself... I've had a membership for like a year. I suck. I practically have fantasies of what my body will look like when I start to get back into shape... I can't wait until I don't look pregnant when I put on a pair of pants. I can't wait until I can feel my hip bone again. I can't wait until I look at my shoulders and upper arms and back and like the way I look. I can't wait to put on a bathing suit and not feel disgusting/ashamed... I can't wait to put on ANYTHING and not feel disgusting/ashamed. I don't even care anymore. I know a lot of this is depression, but I keep feeling like I'm coming out of it and then, I don't know, the world is too scary? I recede back into the "comfort" of not leaving the house, etc. The only things I can do are satisfy my vices: ie eat crap and spend money. Then I wonder, is this all because I just tell myself I can't? And then I wonder, 'Well, why am I telling myself I can't? Because I've been told I CAN'T my entire freaking life?' It's this horrible cycle... my dad would tell me I sucked and then I would and then my mom would give me an easy way out. I wonder how different I would be if my dad was actually encouraging. I wonder how different I would be if my mom didn't always bail me out.

For some reason it didn't occur to me that I was gaining massive amounts of weight... I shoved myself into the size 14 lucky jeans (the year before I had worn 12 and the year before that I probably would have fit in sz 10's). By shove, I mean full on laying on the bed, jumping up and down, calloused and sore fingers from the zipper. I guess I'm the queen of denial because holy cow was I depressed/angry when I stepped on the scale and saw something around 197. Two years prior I had been a nominally overweight 150. How did I let myself gain so much weight??? After seeing that horrifying number on the scale, why wasn't I motivated to lose the weight? How come 3 years later I'm still fighting this? In fact, the most recent number staring me in the face when I stepped on the scale was 217. That means I weigh around 100 lbs more than my best friend. That means you could cut me in half and still have a full sized person. I'm still totally in denial about the whole thing. I don't feel like I weigh so much. It's weird.. I'm the same size I was when I was around 16-170. That's 50 lbs I can't really account for. I mean, I know I'm overweight, but I don't feel like I take up too much space. I've never been tiny, but 70 lbs is a lot of weight.

Anyway, I'm trying to get motivated. This is where I'm going to hold myself accountable. For 3+ years I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want. It's hard because in the past I would eat next to nothing and be set. I didn't get too hungry. Now I get RAVENOUS. Starving doesn't fly when you're 217, apparently. That number... it's unreal. I'm going to remind myself as many times as possible. I told my mom yesterday that I hope I have a benign tumor somewhere. I mean, seriously, last year I went to the Gap and a lady who worked there wanted to hand me a pair of size 10 pants. "You're not 14." "Yeah... unfortunately, I am." I cling to those things to keep myself a horrid fatass, I guess... I'm not happy. 

Ryan and I just have not been getting along lately. For a while I was making notes of when he was a jerk to try to keep myself realistic about things. I never wanted to be in an unhappy relationship. The majority of my relationships have been unhappy. I end up with guys who are sweet talkers, they know what to say and do to get themselves out of the doghouse, but are generally too selfish/self centered to factor my needs into the equation of our relationship. As an addict, Ryan was *completely* self centered. I'm not entirely sure he knows how to put someone else's needs before his own because he has never once had to. He's fully aware that he was a crappy boyfriend in the past and he's eventually going to have to make amends to those women. He doesn't totally get it when it comes to me, though. He knows the words, but the sentiment is entirely meaningless when a half an hour later I'm getting yelled at because the apartment is a mess when we're currently in the process of moving and I sold our bookcase and we now have nowhere to put a lot of our stuff so it's all over the place.

I like the format of blogger better... I hate the idea of abandoning my dear xanga, but maybe it's time for a change. No, it's definitely time for a change. I'm trying to change things little by little... how I eat, trying to cut down on sweets slowly, trying to introduce more fruits and veggies, trying to cook at home because then at least I know what's going into my food. I've been using butter and olive oil in my cooking and last night I made a cream sauce, but I made it with 1% which has to be good for something. I'm trying to clean up more and trying to get myself more used to the idea of going to the gym... I downloaded a million and a half pop/r&b songs in hopes that having a good playlist will get me to want to move my ass. I'm trying to have better attendence in school and try not to get too much anxiety when it comes to assignments... so far I have been failing majorly there, but I'll be proud of myself if I get through the semester. I've been dropping classes like hot cakes for the past couple semesters because the anxiety just gets to me... then I get super depressed because wowomg I suck. I just want to finish my BA and get on with my life. I want to get a job... I don't need an amazing job, in fact, I think Ryan and I would do fine in life if I got a job making around $30,000 (not so much in NYC if you have the skillz to be a good assistant, like moi). He makes over 30K, so 60+K would be fine... especially if we were able to land ourselves the $1200/month rent stabalized 1 bedroom we put an application in for (Ryan's credit is awful, but he explained and my credit is decent... my parents have been our guarantors, so hopefully that's an option if they don't trust just us).

I feel so out of control lately. Not lately, actually, no, I've felt out of control for years. I love Ryan and after 2.5 years, I have a really hard time imagining my life without him, but I feel like I didn't have a grasp on things when we met and I'm trying to learn how to cope and trying to gain my footing and I just don't know if I know how to do that when I have obligations to someone else. I feel like I'll always put him first and it has *nothing* to do with him... he goes to meetings, he goes out, I don't know why I feel like I can't go to the gym when he's home. I feel like he's not home much because of meetings, so I want to see him the times he actually is home... but he'll go to meetings every night and not think, "Oh, this is time I should be spending with Haley." Even if the less time we spend together, the more we fight. I don't know, maybe I just get used to him when I'm around him all the time? He can be so ridiculous and just fly off the handle with absolutely no provocation.

Me: Ryan?
Ryan: WHAT?!?!
Me: ....
Ryan: What?? WHat??
Me: Uhm, I was just wondering if you took this mirror-
Ryan: WHat?!
Me: What's your problem???
Ryan: I can't be home for 30 seconds and sit down without you asking me questions
Me: I'm sorry, I wanted to ask you the most trivial thing, but I'm not allowed to talk to you for 15 mins after you get home?

And so on. We pretty much fought for an hour or 2 after that because he was just being a cranky douchebag and I want him to get it through his head that I do not want to be in a relationship with a guy like my dad and if he's going to act like an asshole, he'll have to act like an asshole with some other girl.

Now, in these instances, the last last *last* thing I want to hear is like, your battered woman story. Every situation is different and I know I've urged women who sounded like they were miserable to rethink situations, etc, but overall I'm happy. Usually, Ryan's a good guy who looks at me while we're watching tv and smiles and tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have a gf like me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he loves me... he tells me he loves me all the time and he's generally really sweet. It's just that when he's not, he takes being mean to another level. He grew up in this ugly, hectic, angry environment and he's damaged and I know that he doesn't mean it and this is his way of dealing with whatever, probably insecurities or he just gets annoyed and rather than quietly seething like me when he bothers me by, like, chewing with his mouth open, he YELLS. I'm not a yeller... my father was, no, is emotionally abusive and I've basically had to cut him out of my life, but even he rarely raises his voice. I see him when I visit my parents because they're still together, but I basically limit conversation with him because he's awesome at making me feel like crap and I'm plenty good about making myself feel like crap at this point, thanks.

My original plan was to make this a weight loss blog. Maybe I will add that component. I kind of want to start listing what I eat during the day to shame myself into eating better. Anyway, here's today:

• 2:30PM 1/2 or 1/4 of a grande chai with a couple pumps of vanilla and 1 or 2 pumps of gingerbread (I know, already off to a great start... I work at sbux btw)
• 2:30PM: 3/4 sbux chocolate brownie
• 3:30 PM: grande vanilla black tea latte
• 4:40PM: rest of chocolate brownie
• 8:15PM:12 oz (or so?) vanilla egg cream (it was more on the seltzery side, but still, should not have ordered this)
• 8:30PM: OMG Most amazing pizza ever. Crispy Rectangular brick oven-y crust (only better) with fresh mozzarella, arugula, calamata olives and tomatoes. So good. After I finished, I was still going, "Mmmm!!"
• 12 oz (or so?) vanilla egg cream (it was more on the seltzery side, but still, should not have ordered this)
  
• 10:30 PM 10 oz Naked Juice mighty mango (this was in lieu of the tall frappuccino I had ordered only to be told that the sbux on Montague is out of frap mix... I told the guy that this is actually good news : P)
• 11P: About 1/3 of Ryan's wildberry low fat froyo from Haagen Dazs.
  

The times are approximations, obviously.. and obviously I have been eating *way too late.* And yeah, not really much healthy going on there at all. That's pretty typical, too... sometimes better, sometimes worse, but it really has got to change.

Exercise for today really only includes walking to work, walking home, walking to Montague to go grocery shopping, walking home and cleaning a little. Standing is supposed to burn cals, too, I guess, so there's 4.5 hours of standing at work....

Anyway, I'm really tired and I'm going to regret this when I'm at work at 6AM (well, probably moreso when I'm trying to get my booty out of bed at 5:30).