80 lbs.

My biggest blog inspiration is her she's doing it. Not perfectly, she slips up, she has set backs, but she continues. I want to be there, I want to be motivated to lose weight to the point where I can have a week where I don't lose anything or I even gain weight and I say, "Okay, that sucked, but next week I'm going to do better." I don't know how to get there, I don't even know where to start.

I weighed myself a week ago. Apparently, that horrible number that kept coming up on my scale was not, in fact, the product of a broken scale and was in actuality a product of me.. my fat ass... years of inactivity and overindulging. The number? 218.something. At 150-160 I could say to myself, "Well, at least I don't weigh 200." I could bawk at magazines that had women who had lost HALF THEIR WEIGHT on the cover. "Half my weight? I would be 80 lbs!" Well, not anymore. You could take half of me and have 2 reasonably sized people... yeah, a little on the thin size, but the fact that I could literally be the size of TWO PEOPLE makes me want to die a little bit. How did I get here?! How did this happen and why did I do this to myself? I just can't comprehend. I always look at people in the 300's, 400's and on and wonder how they let themselves go quite so much... how did they not see the ever increasing numbers on the scale and take matters into their own hands, why wasn't that enough? Now, I kind of understand and part of me can't help but wonder if this is some sort of karma... is this cosmic retribution for the years I thought myself to superior to those with real, legitimate weight issues? Now I'm on the verge of morbidly obese (if I'm not there already) and I don't even know where to start. Motivation hasn't kicked in. I haven't seen the increasing numbers and implemented a regime.

Ryan joined the gym a couple days ago. I was hoping something magical would happen and we would start working out religiously and a couple weeks later we would have amazing bodies. A week later and we still have the same bodies. We have not gone to the gym. We've eaten snacks and didn't really do anything that would suggest a decrease in the number on the scale, so I'm back to square one. I don't want to weigh myself. I don't want to know that number because if I don't know it, it effectively doesn't exist... to me, at least. I'm still too large for the majority of my clothes. I still am not where I would like to be as far as fitness is concerned and I don't feel healthy when I think about what I've been eating. I feel like the more I become aware, the less I'll be able to deny that something (read: a lot of things) needs to change. So, here goes. I'm going to do it. Okay, 218.nothing... that's an improvement. Kind of. Hopefully I can keep that number in my mind all week. I will wear it like a scarlet letter.. it will be my mantra. I will try my hardest and my very best to get my boyfriend and myself to the gym this week. My goal weight is 140 (for now, if I ever get there, maybe that will change). That's 78 lbs. You know what? Might as well make it an even 80. My goal weight is 138 lbs. So, in a year from now I'll be able to say "I lost 80 lbs!" And if I slip up, I'll be back here because I really need to do this.