Scale today. I hadn't weighed myself since my last post. I can't remember, but it was either 217 or 218. Basically, the same. Maintaining is good. I did go to my parents which involved eating way too much (not even junk food, just.. everything) and then we haven't exactly been eating healthy here. The plan is to go on this 'diet' that Ryan's coworker used to lose something like 60 lbs. He started in November, but he told Ryan that after 2 months "the weight just started falling off," so maybe he started off slow and then lost a bunch. I don't know, but he's two lbs away from his goal weight and he started a bit heavier than Ryan's current weight.

I'm a little disappointed, in actuality. Any lower number would have filled me with enthusiasm and hopefulness. Well, I'm still determined to lose weight. I have not gone to Starbucks since I went with my mom the week before this one. I was going everyday and spending a ton of money, so I'm happy with this. The only downside to that is I haven't really gone out at all. It's been kind of rainy and blah and I've been blah to the max... yesterday, I pretty much had a panic attack yesterday which hasn't happened in a while. I don't know if it's the budeprion, but I've decided to stay on it until I see my doctor. If it's started to work, then fantastic, but if I still feel horrible, I'll talk to him about something else.

The funny thing is I know once I settle into this new routine (which is basically just eating healthy, like south beach, but less complicated), I'll be fine. Once I get a life that doesn't include moping on the couch all day, things will all fall into place. I was registered for classes this month, but I just didn't feel ready. I've tried to force myself into these things before and it always ends badly, so since I have the option of not taking those first 2 summer classes, I shouldn't do something I know I probably wouldn't be able to do right now. I don't know how people deal with anxiety and depression and live a normal life. I mean, I know having a job helps, but it's this huge catch 21 because how do I get a job in my current state? I have a hard time taking my dog for a walk outside and I can't even call up NYSC to tell them I need to change my billing method (EVEN THOUGHT IT"S TOO LATE ARGH) and all of these things that just make me feel awful. I actually felt a little better when I saw something on tv about OCD. I don't have it, but I've gone through periods where I was obsessed with cleaning, organizing, everything had to be just right. I was like Monica on Friends, seriously. I would spend hours making sure my hangers were spaced just right. My clothes were in color order and I was crazy about it. I was crazy about everything. So, anyway, the reason this OCD show helped me is there are people out there who are just as wacky as I am. Not that it makes me happy that other people are suffering, it's just nice to know I'm not necessarily alone in my current state of nonfunctionality<-- man, I really wanted that to be a word. Um, my current state of being nonfunctional.