Pretty stream of consciousness

Hopefully, once I actually have something going on in my life this thing will get more interesting. I'll probably feel more comfortable sharing this once I've actually lost some weight. "I weighed 217" is much better than admitting that I actually weigh that. No offense to people who weigh more. I have body issues. I was miserable when I weighed 160... I felt enormous. Well, now I really know what enormous feels like. The funny thing is I'm way more comfortable with my body than I've ever been. I don't know if I just keep writing the same things over and over again because I don't look back and check (and right now I don't have an audience, so it doesn't exactly matter), but I felt the same size when I was a lot smaller. Granted, I knew my stomach was smaller and I could pull off outfits that I couldn't now and obviously I was a smaller size (8/10), but I've always felt huge. Conspicuous. I feel like I'm always the 800 lb gorilla in the room. I grew up with my dad telling me that I shouldn't eat things because I was going to get "as big as a house" or that I was "as big as a house" another favorite is "you're like a bull in a china shop." I was a chubby kid who yo-yoed. I know at certain times I was pretty obese, but I don't really remember when. I remember my friend Anna and I weighing ourselves on my parents scale. I don't remember exactly when this was, but we were kids. She was around 70- something. I was 120. I definitely had a pretty early growth spurt because I was 5'3" by 5th grade. 5'3" and definitely not 120 lbs. I remember having to have polaroid pictures taken for a class project in 6th grade and thinking I looked huge. Somewhere in 7th or 8th grade I ended up around 150-something and I looked okay. I didn't own jeans because it was awkward being the size I was, so I wore long skirts everyday. If I lived in NYC, people probably would have figured I was an Orthodox Jew. I mean, skirts were in style at the time and I got them at Delia's, but still. Every day. I feel really guilty that I don't necessarily look back on my childhood as a happy one. I know my mom kind of coddles me now because she feels bad about how my dad treated me when I was younger. I mean, I don't know if it's coddling or if she's just being supportive because she knows I have some residual issues. I just don't feel equiped for life, though. I'm 23 fucking years old and I feel like a kid. I know I grew up with more than most kids and I know that I've been allowed to get away with more and I would consider myself spoiled. When I used that word with my last therapist, she looked at me like she didn't know what I was talking about. Isn't that a pretty mainstream term? I wish I could figure out a way to make money that didn't involve school, Starbucks or prostitution, but that just isn't in the cards. I know finishing my bachelor's will give me this amazing sense of accomplishment even though they're a dime a dozen right now.

Everything I eat upsets my stomach. I eat and then it's not long before my belly starts grumbling and I have to make a trip to the bathroom.