I'm totally addicted to Dunkin Donuts which would be cheaper than Starbucks, but not with the donuts!!

Ryan is joining NYSC with me and we're going to work out with Jax sometime this week (who seems like she actually wants to hang out with us now that she's on the outs with yelpers).

It's bizarre, I'm so ready to lose weight, but I'm completely addicted to crap food. I love healthfood... I love soy protein shakes and irish oatmeal and fruits and veggies and grilled chicken and fish... it's like an alcoholic who hates the hangovers, but can't stop drinking. Dunkin Donuts' iced caramel lattes have become the only thing to get me out of the house when no one else is involved. Hence, the excitement of having Ryan work out with me because I absolutely will not go by myself... I've had a membership for like a year. I suck. I practically have fantasies of what my body will look like when I start to get back into shape... I can't wait until I don't look pregnant when I put on a pair of pants. I can't wait until I can feel my hip bone again. I can't wait until I look at my shoulders and upper arms and back and like the way I look. I can't wait to put on a bathing suit and not feel disgusting/ashamed... I can't wait to put on ANYTHING and not feel disgusting/ashamed. I don't even care anymore. I know a lot of this is depression, but I keep feeling like I'm coming out of it and then, I don't know, the world is too scary? I recede back into the "comfort" of not leaving the house, etc. The only things I can do are satisfy my vices: ie eat crap and spend money. Then I wonder, is this all because I just tell myself I can't? And then I wonder, 'Well, why am I telling myself I can't? Because I've been told I CAN'T my entire freaking life?' It's this horrible cycle... my dad would tell me I sucked and then I would and then my mom would give me an easy way out. I wonder how different I would be if my dad was actually encouraging. I wonder how different I would be if my mom didn't always bail me out.