I like the format of blogger better... I hate the idea of abandoning my dear xanga, but maybe it's time for a change. No, it's definitely time for a change. I'm trying to change things little by little... how I eat, trying to cut down on sweets slowly, trying to introduce more fruits and veggies, trying to cook at home because then at least I know what's going into my food. I've been using butter and olive oil in my cooking and last night I made a cream sauce, but I made it with 1% which has to be good for something. I'm trying to clean up more and trying to get myself more used to the idea of going to the gym... I downloaded a million and a half pop/r&b songs in hopes that having a good playlist will get me to want to move my ass. I'm trying to have better attendence in school and try not to get too much anxiety when it comes to assignments... so far I have been failing majorly there, but I'll be proud of myself if I get through the semester. I've been dropping classes like hot cakes for the past couple semesters because the anxiety just gets to me... then I get super depressed because wowomg I suck. I just want to finish my BA and get on with my life. I want to get a job... I don't need an amazing job, in fact, I think Ryan and I would do fine in life if I got a job making around $30,000 (not so much in NYC if you have the skillz to be a good assistant, like moi). He makes over 30K, so 60+K would be fine... especially if we were able to land ourselves the $1200/month rent stabalized 1 bedroom we put an application in for (Ryan's credit is awful, but he explained and my credit is decent... my parents have been our guarantors, so hopefully that's an option if they don't trust just us).

I feel so out of control lately. Not lately, actually, no, I've felt out of control for years. I love Ryan and after 2.5 years, I have a really hard time imagining my life without him, but I feel like I didn't have a grasp on things when we met and I'm trying to learn how to cope and trying to gain my footing and I just don't know if I know how to do that when I have obligations to someone else. I feel like I'll always put him first and it has *nothing* to do with him... he goes to meetings, he goes out, I don't know why I feel like I can't go to the gym when he's home. I feel like he's not home much because of meetings, so I want to see him the times he actually is home... but he'll go to meetings every night and not think, "Oh, this is time I should be spending with Haley." Even if the less time we spend together, the more we fight. I don't know, maybe I just get used to him when I'm around him all the time? He can be so ridiculous and just fly off the handle with absolutely no provocation.

Me: Ryan?
Ryan: WHAT?!?!
Me: ....
Ryan: What?? WHat??
Me: Uhm, I was just wondering if you took this mirror-
Ryan: WHat?!
Me: What's your problem???
Ryan: I can't be home for 30 seconds and sit down without you asking me questions
Me: I'm sorry, I wanted to ask you the most trivial thing, but I'm not allowed to talk to you for 15 mins after you get home?

And so on. We pretty much fought for an hour or 2 after that because he was just being a cranky douchebag and I want him to get it through his head that I do not want to be in a relationship with a guy like my dad and if he's going to act like an asshole, he'll have to act like an asshole with some other girl.

Now, in these instances, the last last *last* thing I want to hear is like, your battered woman story. Every situation is different and I know I've urged women who sounded like they were miserable to rethink situations, etc, but overall I'm happy. Usually, Ryan's a good guy who looks at me while we're watching tv and smiles and tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have a gf like me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he loves me... he tells me he loves me all the time and he's generally really sweet. It's just that when he's not, he takes being mean to another level. He grew up in this ugly, hectic, angry environment and he's damaged and I know that he doesn't mean it and this is his way of dealing with whatever, probably insecurities or he just gets annoyed and rather than quietly seething like me when he bothers me by, like, chewing with his mouth open, he YELLS. I'm not a yeller... my father was, no, is emotionally abusive and I've basically had to cut him out of my life, but even he rarely raises his voice. I see him when I visit my parents because they're still together, but I basically limit conversation with him because he's awesome at making me feel like crap and I'm plenty good about making myself feel like crap at this point, thanks.

My original plan was to make this a weight loss blog. Maybe I will add that component. I kind of want to start listing what I eat during the day to shame myself into eating better. Anyway, here's today:

• 2:30PM 1/2 or 1/4 of a grande chai with a couple pumps of vanilla and 1 or 2 pumps of gingerbread (I know, already off to a great start... I work at sbux btw)
• 2:30PM: 3/4 sbux chocolate brownie
• 3:30 PM: grande vanilla black tea latte
• 4:40PM: rest of chocolate brownie
• 8:15PM:12 oz (or so?) vanilla egg cream (it was more on the seltzery side, but still, should not have ordered this)
• 8:30PM: OMG Most amazing pizza ever. Crispy Rectangular brick oven-y crust (only better) with fresh mozzarella, arugula, calamata olives and tomatoes. So good. After I finished, I was still going, "Mmmm!!"
• 12 oz (or so?) vanilla egg cream (it was more on the seltzery side, but still, should not have ordered this)
  
• 10:30 PM 10 oz Naked Juice mighty mango (this was in lieu of the tall frappuccino I had ordered only to be told that the sbux on Montague is out of frap mix... I told the guy that this is actually good news : P)
• 11P: About 1/3 of Ryan's wildberry low fat froyo from Haagen Dazs.
  

The times are approximations, obviously.. and obviously I have been eating *way too late.* And yeah, not really much healthy going on there at all. That's pretty typical, too... sometimes better, sometimes worse, but it really has got to change.

Exercise for today really only includes walking to work, walking home, walking to Montague to go grocery shopping, walking home and cleaning a little. Standing is supposed to burn cals, too, I guess, so there's 4.5 hours of standing at work....

Anyway, I'm really tired and I'm going to regret this when I'm at work at 6AM (well, probably moreso when I'm trying to get my booty out of bed at 5:30).